I hate the down to the last grain of rice, one can of canned tomatoes, rotting cucumbers in the vegetable drawer, wondering what I can cook with chicken broth, an egg, and hot sauce from my mom's trip to Mexico in 2010, been using watered down shampoo for a week kind of HAVE to go grocery shopping. I hate it because it means an all day excursion to 4 different groceries and spending more money than can conceivably be justified on food that will be gone faster than you can say "when is pay day?"
The price the stores charge for food is staggering. And while I am extremely grateful that we have money to buy the essentials, I have really had to come to grips with how much things cost. How can the dentist charge so much, the emergency room, the doctors office; why do these wonderful things that do so much good seem designed to punish us for getting sick? Why does opening a bill or passing a police officer while going 5 miles per hour over the speed limit make me breathless?
The truth is that for my own brain to function in the expensive reality of life is to accept that it is just how much it costs and be thankful that I have all the wonderful things I have.
And not to get all crazy philosophical but it is a metaphor for my life.
Each person I have loved, each friend that has come or gone from my life, each pain that I have suffered at the hands of another, an ill wish, a grudge, a wonderful day. They cost me something. Many times, I am willing to pay. It's what I want. Sometimes, I have to bury my head in a pillow and cry my mascara off before my heart will let me accept that I will have to make a payment that feels too great a price.
And sometimes even when I have been exactly the person I thought I should be, done all the right things, been all the things I could be-when I have gone to the wrong store they have made me pay for things I didn't want. But that is just what it costs to have love in your heart, to be a good friend, to do the right thing. Those people will make you stand in the aisle and question the purchase. They will make you put it in the cart and take it out before buying. And after you bring it home it will give you nothing but trouble.
These people make me angry. They make me hurt. They make me wonder if loving and living and being are worth the cost. Why is the exchange for my friendship and loyalty your nastiness?
And I remember that in order for my brain to function in the expensive reality of life I have to accept that it is just how much it costs.
Sometimes trusting people completely, opening your heart to friendship and love is a risky venture to be sure.
I just have to remember that it is worth the cost for the people that it is free for me to love. I have to be thankful for those ones; for a kindred spirit a thousand miles a way, for lovely best friends for an amazing family, for a steadfast, strong, and kind man. And I know that I am blessed.
And I remember that they pay too; the ones that have chosen to be unkind. So always remember when you choose to be ugly that the debt collectors will come knocking.
