This story inside me.

If you picked this up...would you keep reading it?

___________________________________________

The earth has always fascinated me. The precarious nature of humanity fills me with an almost preternatural calm. I know that my soul could be sent away from here and I would be gone as easily as the waves wash away sandy footprints from the shore leaving behind only the empty shells of long dead ocean creatures in its crashing.  This isn’t to say that I am not afraid of dying for I have so much left that I want to do but I am not afraid of death. Fate will take me at a moment of his choosing without asking me permission. Of course, this is not a universal truth. Some believe that Fate can be tempted, tricked, and some believe that he does not exist at all; that the world and all its perfect balances are simply a matter of coincidence. I am not by any means a philosopher but I do believe that there is one thing that is certain:

Everything looks good with blue jeans.

Seriously, everything that is, except fat. I know, I used the “f” word. There are things worse than fate and one of them is fat. But still, in 2005 I found myself laying on my bed and sucking it in desperately trying to fasten a pair of size eights. I finally got them buttoned and I stuck out my belly in the long mirror. Not too shabby I thought to myself as I shut the light off and flounced out of my room with as much energy as any almost graduated high school senior. I suppose I should lay off the lunch floated across my mind. In my head it was an airplane pulling behind it a banner. The red wording flapped through the sky like a bulletin to the world. As the plane turned around I could see the other side. In big black letters the banner read “Sara gained 10 pounds.” I laughed at myself and slid into the driver’s seat of my white 1999 Pontiac Sunfire and put it into gear to back out of our long driveway. I pulled into the parking lot of Palmer High School twenty minutes later and prepared myself to be late, again, to math.

       That weekend I would be going into the city to shop. Once in Anchorage I would sneak a size 10 off the hanger and buy them with the size sticker down so my friends could not see. I would put the size eights into what I promised myself would be semi-retirement and would complete senior year without further incident from my waist line.

       And so it goes for all of us skinny seniors gone fat. For some it is a love of food, others a slowing of the metabolism. There are those among us who have had children or who have gotten married. And then there are those of us who took out the stresses of difficult classes, horrendous schedules, and bad relationships on a box of pizza and a package of oreos so often that it would soon become an easy habit. I am one of those people. This is a (mostly) true story.

Codependent on the world.

I had an epiphany while blow drying my hair this morning: the leading cause of frustration in my life stems from the fact that I focus on how people who were not raised like me behave.

Wow. I am probably a terrible person but hear me out. I don't mean that I don't like people whose parents didn't buy them their first car. I mean people who were not constantly taught, corrected, and shown by example the fruits of lives lived on the basis of morals, common sense, and hard work.

This is why the current state of affairs in America disgusts me. I cannot understand how anyone would actually choose to sit at home on their neighbor's dime.

Here is an example: When my brother was a senior in high school he got into trouble with my parents; I don't even remember why but the end result was his getting his keys taken away. Now, my mom was recounting this story to her coworkers one day and one of them reprimanded my mom's parenting decision by snidely commenting, "How embarrassing for him. He's a senior and you're making him take the bus." To which my mom in all her opinionated wisdom replied, "he needs to know that he is not entitled to a car. He cannot handle the responsibilities of driving and is not too good to take the bus."

And so it went at our house. I would never say that we were perfect children but I will say that we have great parents. I am sure we had our moments but I can recall many times when our attitudes, fit throwing, and back talking were not tolerated. I remember when they called our friends' houses to make sure we were really there, when they insisted that we do well in school, and when after a long day at work when my mom felt like taking a nap she made dinner instead so that we could all sit at the table together.

My parents didn't have just one job. They had two and being a parent always came first (and probably still does; much to their chagrin you're kids never outgrow you).

So many people don't realize the full weight of their responsibility when they have children. I think they "know" that it's a lifetime commitment but don't actually understand what that means. They don't understand that every decision they make, every word they say, and every lesson-by words and actions-can effect that child for its whole life. They love their children but because they don't actually fully comprehend that it doesn't matter what you "feel like" doing they sometimes end up rearing children that are angry, poorly adjusted, entitled, and lazy.

Dennis Prager said it best on the radio a while back:

How you feel matters to you. How you behave matters to the other 6 billion people in the world.

You have a responsibility to yourself and the world to be the best version of you that you can be. Making mature decisions for your life, finances, and health no matter what you "feel" like doing will not only give you a better life but it will better the lives of those around you.

My epiphany this morning made me realize how thankful I am that I was taught these things by my parents and how sad it is that some people have had to learn these hard lessons on their own or worse; not at all.

I think going forward I will feel differently about people who were not necessarily raised how I was. I will be more confident in standing up for what I believe in and speaking out against what I don't. Living each day with compassion for others without allowing people to take advantage of my kindness is sure to alleviate my frustration. After all-it's not about how I "feel" it's about what I do and in the end it's not even CLOSE to being all about me.

Thank you mom and dad for being wonderful parents. The depth of your love and commitment to us does not go unnoticed.

Sorry for the long post but wow, I had a long thought-Apparently it takes me a long time to dry my hair.

Sara

Really good advice. In case you were confused.

I am becoming a HUGE fan of blogging about Craig and that crazy list of his. It's such an easy target but it makes me laugh every time. I found this posting from a confusing canoer last night:

Sex on a Tiny Island-24

I have a tiny cabin on a small lake, on the lake is a tiny island that nothing is on. The plan... You send a pic (please be good looking, not bbw) and 18-30. I'll give you direction, we meet at the lake and paddle by canoe to the island, set up a small tent because of biting bugs, well and screw, we will do your favorite position, oral is up to you, after we both cum we will cuddle and talk and relax. Maybe a round two.
This will be really fun, could be one time or we could take it from there.

Let's do this, pic me.

Wait...WHAT? I am confused right out of the gate on this one! "I have a tiny cabin on a small lake, on the lake is a tiny island that nothing is on." What is the residential improvement status of this freaking island? Is there a cabin or isn't there? I thought I misused commas. This guy takes comma misuse to a whole new level.

I am NOT staying in a tent when there is a perfectly good cabin in which I can stay. I am not going to screw you either for that matter. Let me list all the other things I am most certainly not going to do:

1.) Canoe to a secluded island to "screw" someone I "met" on CL.
2.) Canoe to a secluded island to "screw" someone I "met" on CL.
3.) Canoe to a secluded island to "screw" someone I "met" on CL.

That basically covers it. This is how murder happens. Girls, a word of advice: do not canoe to a secluded island to "screw" someone you "met" on CL.

Just Saying,

Sara

Pensive.

In a world of people I feel like I spend a lot of time alone. It's awful to be alone when you don't actually want to be. When my friends complain that they don't ever get a minute to themselves I smile sympathetically but often wish that I had the same; days filled with no silent moments. With voices. With people. With constant laughter. That is my favorite place. This is why my friends' children do not annoy me. I don't mind it simply because I love it. If Hell was my destination my own personal one would be total, eternal quiet.

I notarized a power of attorney for a client the other day. The client happened to be someone I was a camp counselor with at Victory Bible Camp. When he asked me if I had children or if I was married and I had to respond no, with all I have accomplished and overcome in my life, I felt sad that "no" was the truth.

I feel like I would have a lot to offer a guy. I am emotionally stable, financially independent, smart, funny, hard working, and a basically nice person...but for the men that are interested, they are only interested in having a physical relationship. And that makes me feel objectified, even if that isn't the intention.

It's frustrating to me. To have so many feelings. To have no way of changing the situation. To wonder if I lost weight would more men would be interested in having an actual relationship with me. But I don't want to be with a man that would only be interested in me because of how I look. It's a catch 22.

I think every girl should read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". It was also made into a movie that was also great. My favorite part of the movie is when Gigi says:

"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."

I hope that someday I am someone's exception. I have the freedom to do what I want-to do what I want, when I want, and to answer to no one. It isn't a freedom I asked for and it isn't one that I want.

For all my independence, I look forward to the day that I have a husband who cares where I am.

Sorry about all the gravity. But this is what is on my mind.

Until I can make you laugh again,

Sara

Oh, CL! You are the gift that keeps on giving.

Okay girls, there is a  person in need of our assistance. Since I love my fellow man, I am going to post his cry for help and see if we can't get him some of the advice he is asking for.


i need help-24

hi im just a 24 year old male looking to improve my, Introduction, for lack of a better term, my "game"
i have confidence and im probably too charming. but i just never no how to read women. or what to say to a girl i want to meet.
i think it has to do with me being raised by a single mother. not having a dad around to show me what to do. or not to do.
im not a mommas boy, but ive always been told how you treat your mother is a good indicator of how you are going to treat the other women in your life,
so i try to give my mother the best son possible. (mostly by trying to stay away)lol
anyway. i also have no friends. im new to anchorage and have yet to really socially explore the city.
so i like to:
do a lot of the things girls like to do.
im not gay. but i like to dress up my lady friends and do there make-up, hair, clothes, and especially shoes.
i repeat im not gay, i just know what i like to see.
so if you think you can teach me somethin about girls please let me know. cuz i see the boys around me and well.
im just about 100% sure i can do way better then, HEY BABY, WANNA FUCK. Does that even work???????? ever
if you want a picture ill send you one but looks arent everything to me

thank you and have a nice day

You know, he seems like a nice guy so I feel almost bad for what I am about to do. But not bad enough.

Dear  "i need help-24 (Anchorage)"

You asked for help so here I am! Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.

For starters sir, I am concerned about the marks you received in high school English. Typically, "i" is capatalized, like "I".  For example, "I need help". Great. We got that down.

Okay, now we need to discuss the probabilty of any thought necessitating the use NINE question marks before your sentence is even over. The probability is zero. Just so you know.

Generally, the first letter in a new sentence is capatalized. However, I am going to assume that you posted your ad via smart phone and the capitalization button was broken.

Now there are a few other items that we need to discuss. Girls do not appreciate your actual opinion on anything least of all on the subject of their clothes. My advice is that next time a girl asks you, "How does this dress look?" You should say, "wow baby. You look hot." Truly, that's what they want to hear.

Don't repeat over and over again that you are not gay. It makes people believe that maybe thou doth protesteth too much...if you know what I mean.

The following is also very important: professing to not having any friends, staying away from your mom, and doing "a lot of things girls like to do" is probably not improving your odds.

Next time you post on CL try this:

Hello! My name is (....). I am a 24, I just moved to Anchorage and I am looking for a great girl to spend my extra time with. I am really easy going. I don't mind going with the flow and love just being with people I have a connection with.

I haven't had a chance to socially explore city just yet and am looking for someone willing to show me around.

I am not like every other guy out there. I am charming, fun, and I won't ask you to have sex with me on the first date. I believe there is more to a person than looks ; but I am willing to trade pictures if you want.

I hope to hear from you soon!

Isn't that so much better? At any rate, I hope I have helped you with your introduction.

Have a good one!

.........
Wow, I feel better now. I have helped one of our own. Carry on with your lives citizens.

Sara