Something Real.

I burst into tears at the bank today.

I was calm when I handed the teller my 8 one dollar bills. Even though I felt stupid, awkward, and poor I attempted small talk. I wondered if she thought it was odd that I had braved below zero temperature and frigid wind to come into the bank to deposit $8 into my account. It didn't cross my mind that she has probably seen it all before; especially in this economy. She has heard every sob story, excuse and bad word in the book. But I didn't tell a story. I simply handed her George Washington's green, folded face and realized that I was handing her the last 8 dollars I would have for two weeks because once the pending payment cleared I would have 38 cents in my account. And that's when I felt my eyes prickle like a thousand pounds of stress was forcing water out of my tear ducts. Suddenly. Dramatically. Strangely. Like life just came running at me and I opened my arms to embrace it and instead it started plucking my eyebrows.

I questioned every dollar I had spent in the last 30 days, 60 days, year. And before I could make a scene I thanked the bewildered banker, she waved the receipt at me and asked if I wanted it. I said no, gathered my remaining dignity and walked out the door.

I called a friend and spoke to her. She's been there. Most all young people have. That point in your life where you're at the precipice of financial freedom and you realize that you're Jim Carey in the Truman Show and the mountain wasn't even real.

And at the end of the day I ask myself what is; what is real? What sustains when emotionally exhausted, financially stretched, and marooned in the arctic with Ke$ha stuck in my head feels like the only place I will ever be?

The fact is the only bill I did not pay this month is my garbage bill and it isn't as though they are going to repossess my trash. The fact is I have been blessed beyond deserving. The fact is that at the end of the day when I ask myself what's real I know that the answer is this. This savior. This love. This country. This family. These friendships. And I can't despair because I shouldn't because I have this.
And this is bigger than any bank account. Because this is what sustains me from the inside when things fall away. This is more important than any treasury note or piece of gold. This is love, my blessings. This is the antecedent to all things that are real.

I have HOPE and I wish you enough "this" that you have lots of that.

Romans 5:3-4

³ Not only so, but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope.