Pensive.

In a world of people I feel like I spend a lot of time alone. It's awful to be alone when you don't actually want to be. When my friends complain that they don't ever get a minute to themselves I smile sympathetically but often wish that I had the same; days filled with no silent moments. With voices. With people. With constant laughter. That is my favorite place. This is why my friends' children do not annoy me. I don't mind it simply because I love it. If Hell was my destination my own personal one would be total, eternal quiet.

I notarized a power of attorney for a client the other day. The client happened to be someone I was a camp counselor with at Victory Bible Camp. When he asked me if I had children or if I was married and I had to respond no, with all I have accomplished and overcome in my life, I felt sad that "no" was the truth.

I feel like I would have a lot to offer a guy. I am emotionally stable, financially independent, smart, funny, hard working, and a basically nice person...but for the men that are interested, they are only interested in having a physical relationship. And that makes me feel objectified, even if that isn't the intention.

It's frustrating to me. To have so many feelings. To have no way of changing the situation. To wonder if I lost weight would more men would be interested in having an actual relationship with me. But I don't want to be with a man that would only be interested in me because of how I look. It's a catch 22.

I think every girl should read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". It was also made into a movie that was also great. My favorite part of the movie is when Gigi says:

"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."

I hope that someday I am someone's exception. I have the freedom to do what I want-to do what I want, when I want, and to answer to no one. It isn't a freedom I asked for and it isn't one that I want.

For all my independence, I look forward to the day that I have a husband who cares where I am.

Sorry about all the gravity. But this is what is on my mind.

Until I can make you laugh again,

Sara