X of Doom

I live in a place where the temperature has no concern for the clarity of the sky. A place where huge mountains stand guardian over vast wilderness: most of which is virtually untouched by the hand of man. People flock here from all over the world seeking adventure, peace, and awe. I know most will find it here because I do. Some find solace in the mountains, in the ocean, and some in the forest.

I find peace on the water. And last night I went there to think after I found out that Joe referred to me to people as the "x of doom." It really hurt my feelings. I have never been so upset-hurt and mad simultaneously. I have never had a panic attack before-but I think I might know how it feels now. I couldn't breathe, I was shaking, I was saying something that was probably completely melodramatic, and I had an urge to strike him that only the thought of the police getting involved quelled.

Maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal. I am partly to blame...but given the chance wouldn't you look through your ex's phone? No? Well maybe the ex of doom sentiment is true in this case. But when someone tells you "I will always love you" and "this isn't it for us" you hold out some semblance of hope. Then you wonder why he stops talking to you when you thought maybe, finally you were going to work something out.

Last night, after moving my things out of our beautiful house and seeing the horrible condition of the house, seeing myself referred to as the "x of doom" and reading text messages detailing very private and intimate things about myself to women I don't even know-yea, I was a wreck.

I went to the creek where we used to play as kids and sat for about half an hour. I cleared my head as much as possible and just listened to the sounds of the earth. There is a spot in the creek, maybe an unseen incline where every few seconds the water swishes louder than the other babbling. I felt so calm. The beauty of a river or a creek is something Disney's Pocahontas taught me when I was very young:

"What I love about rivers is, you can't step in the same river twice, the water's always changing always flowing. But people I guess can't live like that, we always pay the price. To be safe we lose our chance of ever knowing. JUST AROUND THE RIVER BEND!!"

I never thought a Disney song from a totally ridiculous adaption of Pocahontas' story could exactly encompass how I feel about my love of the water. I walked away from there feeling peaceful. And chuckling.

I know you are probably wishing I would get to the point now and I am getting there, believe me.

The point is I am thinking of getting personalized license plates for my new car . "XODOOM" is available. I checked when I got home.

Sincerely,

X of DOOM

UGH! What an ass. :o)