I'm about to cry-do I eat or do I exercise?

Even though I do not post it all over Facebook I have a complicated relationship situation. Except it just uncomplicated itself this morning. I won't get into the details but I will admit to having a fifteen minute session of balling my eyes out. I wanted to eat a cheeseburger. Or pasta. Or chocolate cake.

But I didn't.

I put on my gym shoes at 4:45am and marched out the door. I sang extremely loud to obnoxious songs. I went tanning. I worked out for 2 hours. I came to work. So maybe I shed a few (tears) on the elliptical...no one knows that it wasn't sweat.

And I'm okay. Really. And I didn't have to stuff my face! Hallelujah!

What a good feeling. I feel like I can control my life again for the first time since Allen.

It's okay to be okay even when everything is not okay. What a relief.

Confession time. I miss my Joe. I actually chose to leave the first man that has ever loved me. Well, besides my dad and grandpas. I hate that phrase "you made your bed, now you have to lay in it" because what does that even freaking mean? But it's true in the way that people use it. The only word I can think to use is "shit" and hope that there is someone out there who can love me for the crazy, quirky girl-woman-whatever that I am.

At the gym today a song came on my Pandora called "Mardy Bum" by Arctic Monkeys. I won't lie and say that it's not the one that made me cry. It's me. So me. And I hope someday I find someone that can accept it and laugh with me about it. Because it's who I am...and for the first time in my life I don't want to change that.
I have provided the lyrics for your enjoyment:

Well now then Mardy Bum
I've seen your frown
And it's like looking down the barrel of a gun
And it goes off
And out come all these words
Oh there's a very pleasant side to you
A side I much prefer
It's one that laughs and jokes around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was all up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember, yeah
On a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

Well now then Mardy Bum
Oh I'm in trouble again, aren't I
I thought as much
Cause you turned over there
Pulling that silent disappointment face
The one that I can't bear

Why can't we just laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's rate hard to remember,yeah
On a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

And yeah I'm sorry I was late
but I missed the train
And then the traffic was a state
And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate
That reoccurs, oh when you say I don't care
but of course I do, yet I clearly do,yeah!

So laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's rate hard to remember,yeah
On a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

Until next time I hope that you love yourself. I hope you know you're beautiful. I hope you know that life is an amazing gift...even when everything is not okay.

Sara