The Skirt I Love...On The Body I Hate

I have this pencil skirt that I love. It's gray with a purple hue, high waisted, and super cute. I have no problems with it except the size tag and by virtue of that, the way it looks on me. It looks as good as it could I guess. I like the way I dress but I am going to go out on this limb and actually write what I think and never say.

I hate, loathe, despise, and am categorically disgusted by my body.

I am funny, smart, happy (for the most part), and pissed off. Sometimes at others but usually at myself for constantly letting something as ridiculous as food get in the way of my relationship with myself. It's just that people treat you differently when you're thin. I know because I have BEEN thin and could get a date, get out of a ticket, and get on with my life. Maybe that is because I was thinner but maybe that is because I felt differently about myself. I don't mean to sound like I am having a pity party. I just want the world to understand how frustrating it is for me to struggle to understand where the real problem is inside me. What is this obsession, addiction, attraction to something that ultimately makes me feel bad every time I look in the mirror.

I don't need validation of myself as a person. I know the beautiful person that is inside. I just wish my outside would look at my inside and say, "yep, I am going to look like that".I just wish there was something someone could say that would change my relationship with food.

And then I realized that I have that power; to tell myself that I am so much more than a number on a scale, a kit kat bar, or what someone thinks they know about me because I am (*gasp*) fat.

I have that power. I have that power. I have that power.

Okay, I will stop now at risk of sounding like a creepy weight loss cult. I don't have to look in the mirror and think "bleck". I can look in the mirror and say, "you are beautiful. You are kind. You are successful."

So instead of the old mantra of, "you'll probably fail." I remind myself why going to the gym and eating right (or at least decent) is so important to me; confidence, health, and style. In that order.

So that some day (soon) I can wear the skirt I love on the body I love. Not because I hate who I am but because I want to be the best version of me possible, for as long as possible.

Thank you Christina Ricci and James McAvoy for reminding young girls and myself in your movie Penelope that people only have the power to make you feel as bad as you let them and that the power to be who you want to be is ALWAYS within you.

Alright, I am going to go have my time of month now apparently.
Sara