The Song I Sung Myself.

Many people think they know my story, many actually do, and some have no idea. I tell it unabashed, unashamed, and unedited. I tell it not because I am a "victim" of domestic abuse but because my story is important to who I am, who I was, and who I will be. I tell it because I hope someday a woman that feels hopeless will hear it and choose to say, "no more, no way, not me."

I married a man thinking my love would change him; that if I gave him everything I was that he could love me too. Not only was I naive, I was stupid. I allowed my fear of being alone (at 18 nonetheless, what a ridiculous notion) get in the way of my judgement.

It didn't take long before an innocent disagreement turned into a reason for him to strike me. His anger, gas lighting, and general disrespect of me quickly changed from something that I didn't understand and wanted to help fix into something so frightening and dangerous that they could make the 9 months I was with him into a lifetime movie.

But I reached into my then 19 year old self and extracted my last seed of self esteem. I called my best friend who has to this day never said I told you so (even though she did, tell me that is). I sat on the bed at her mom's house and told her everything. The next two months I let the seeds of self respect and confidence germinate. We were divorced two days before what would have been our one year wedding anniversary.

I am sad to say I made those vows to a man who hurt me but I am so very thankful that I had the strength to leave him. To tell him that his behavior were unacceptable and that I did not, would not, and could not put up with it.

I heard this song by Mumford and Sons the other day and it made me cry. This was the "argument" I had with myself when I was deciding to leave. The "I" was the voice in me that was trying to break out and the "you" was the unsure person I had become.
I know that this interpretation is probably not what Mumford and Sons intended but it's what it meant to me. The YouTube video of the song and the lyrics are embedded below.

It's empty in the valley of your heart

The sun, it rises slowly as you walk

Away from all the fears

And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat

You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see

But I have seen the same

I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time

You take what is yours and I'll take mine

Now let me at the truth

Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears

I can see widows and orphans through my tears

I know my call despite my faults

And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands

And see the world hanging upside down

You can understand dependence

When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call

And sing all you want

I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

I am a better person; not in spite of what happened but BECAUSE of what happened. I reached into myself and found out that I am worth so much more than this. I found strength that I didn't know I possessed. My lesson was bought with pain and those are the kind that a person cannot forget.

To the women in a situation where a man mistreats, hurts, or abuses you just know that there IS help, you CAN be loved, and YOU have the strength inside to decide how you want to live your life. After all, this important and beautiful life is the only chance we have.

Domestic violence does not discriminate. It happens to women no matter their race, religion, or socio-economic status.

October is domestic violence awareness month. For the love of your neighbors, coworkers, and the lady behind you at the grocery store; be aware.

<3 Sara